I know I can't be doing this. This is what I swore I'd never do.
The alcoholics who say they like being drunk? They're full of shit. Oh, sure, it's loads of fun while you're buying party hats and kissing desk clerks and slapping coworkers on the ass. But then you sober up and you've got a husband who's afraid to leave you alone with your daughter, you've got a boss who keeps "checking up" on your work, you've got a best friend who you haven't even spoken to in weeks because you have no fucking idea what to say.
I know he's right. I know I'm jeopardizing my career, my family, everything I've worked so hard for.
But he's wrong about one thing; this is me. He knew it was me; it's been me for as long as I can remember and it's just been lying dormant all this time. It's me, and he just never wanted to believe that about me. I never lied to him about it but he never really believed me. It's not fair, but a part of me keeps thinking that he should have known better. I've got hiding places all over the house; it's in my empty shampoo bottle for god's sake, and it's scary what he doesn't notice.
And after all this? God, all I want is a drink. It doesn't even feel good anymore, but I want it, I need it.
- private entry